update

so i've been spending the last several days praying, pondering, sometimes, just kind of going but not thinking (know what i mean?)

we received some news earlier this week that i'm still processing.  i'd really like to go hide somewhere for the next several months - preferably where i will know no one, somewhere on a nice secluded beach, somewhere other than here... makes me think of "no man is an island" bit... but alas, that's not the life we live and i don't think it's the life God intends. i've been pondering this idea of what it means to live victoriously and powerfully in the kindgom of God. no, it's not some crazy off the deep end weirdo christianese... it's the idea that God said that He who is in me is bigger than what's in the world; it's the promise that God says, I will never leave  you or forsake you... so if God - Almighty, Powerful, Reigns over all - God is inside of me and He promises me that He came to give me life, than shouldn't my life be characterized by His promises?

there are days i wake up in the morning and i feel like i've got a serious hang out (it could be the carbs - i'm still figuring it out), but it's definitely not alcohol cause i definitely didn't have any - unless you count using rubbing alcohol to wipe my earrings.   and there's a lie that satan whispers in my ear. "i don't want to..... " and then the "if onlys" kick in... and i have a choice - i can agree and be miserable - which i admit i do quite often sometimes, or i can discern what God is saying versus what Satan is saying. You know, satan's been lying to us since the beginning of time.. and it's the same ol' lie. "Did God really say.... "

so, i'm still meditating on what God's words say but i have to admit it's been a wrestling match of the heavenlies.

on a lighter note, i really think i'm seeing the effects of carbs in my diet. we didn't do a lot of carbs for a while and just last week i re-introduced rice into our everyday eating and i feel awful. in fact, i think it's causing me to run a 45 second slower pace during my runs.  but oh man! does it taste so good going down.  so the question is, is it worth it?

on a brighter and more worthy note, our jewel reminded me today of 1 peter 5:7 - cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you.

Death comes to us all

the child we sponsored through compassion passed away quietly in a hospital in December from Hep.
she was 7.
7!!! that's the same age as our jewel....
i've been thinking about their family. praying.

mid-week recap (at the end of the week)

-praying for the visible from the Invisible.

-faith grows in the valley.

happy easter

Christ has risen!


On this easter, we're thankful for the forgiveness of sins and the grace that is extended to us through the blood of the Lamb. 

Jesus, today, help me to live in your forgiveness.

taking a step of faith

lately, my man and i have been getting into jaime winship's sermons.  you can find some of them here.
he was a missionary to indonesia and jordan. he has a heart for muslims.  he's got a very engaging way of speaking but really, i like him because he gets you to look at Christ in a refreshing new way. 

my man and i have both been convicted about stepping out in faith more; realizing that we're really not living in faith but living within our means. for example, it's easy to pray that God would answer something that you're really capable of doing yourself - ie. buy a car. but it takes faith to ask God to provide a car in a way only He can. 

since my man's accident several weeks ago, we've been praying, and researching.  we thought that we knew what we were going to do.  we had figured out how much we were going to put down on the down payment. we had started applications for an auto loan to refinance the difference, blah, blah, blah... the usual route.  but in the mist of that, we heard God's quite voice. "test me. see if i don't answer." we thought of judges 6 where Gideon tested God and He met Gideon.  we thought about how we've been diligently following a budget and striving to be obedient in the area of stewardship of our resources and it just didn't seem right that God would want us to take out a loan now.  so we take our step of faith, eagerly anticipating God's response to our need for a car.  we believe He is our provider. and so in faith, i write this post, declaring that we choose to trust Him rather than our balance sheet.

it's exciting to watch and wait on Him.

Daniel, the "college" kid

Daniel: 1: 1, 6-8

1 In the third year of the reign of Jehoiakim king of Judah, Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and besieged it. 6 Among these were some from Judah: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah. 7 The chief official gave them new names: to Daniel, the name Belteshazzar; to Hananiah, Shadrach; to Mishael, Meshach; and to Azariah, Abednego.
8 But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way.

the other day, someone was talking about daniel as it relates to college kids. daniel was captured by the babylonians and taken to a foreign land with new people, new way of doing things, new rules, etc.. but he was firmly rooted in what he believed so that when he was tested and even though everyone else around him was going along w/ the culture, he stood his ground. i think this is what college is like. and as parents we desire to foster an environment for our kids so that they are off on their own, their belief is their own and they can hold fast to His Word. that was just the coolest encouragement to me as it reminded me of our roles as parents in these early stages of our precious kids' lives. i want to be faithful now so that when our jewel goes off to college, she knows who she in Christ and the new culture doesn't rattle her faith, but instead makes it stronger.

as our jewel begins a new school year, may we purposefully, intentionally train our jewel to bring God glory. That ultimately she may have a faith in Christ she can call her own.

my heart is broken

i was awoken this morning by pounding and lots of crying. i knew it before i was even fully awake. domestic violence in the upstairs apartment. i'm been praying all day. dwelling on the situation.

God, please send your gospel into their lives. open the floodgates of heaven and pour out your grace on them. have mercy, Father. show your justice. protect the girl. send your heavenly angels to shield her.

my heart is soo broken. so sad. so helpless to do anything.

ps. God, can you give me some samson strength and let me beat the crap out of the guy?

To: God, From: desperate me

um, i don't think that my letters have been reaching you - have you misplaced them? did the postman drop the ball? is the holy spirit on spring break?

just checking because it seems that my letters have "return to sender" to them and the phone calls are going to voicemail.

God Almighty!! i'm drowning. let me come up for air before i'm thrust back into the ocean.

overwhelmed

disappointed. sad. hopeless.
weighed down by the world's trials.

"Woe to me! The LORD has added sorrow to my pain;
I am worn out with groaning and find no rest."
- jer 45:3

stress piled high

can i just say that i am so stressed right now that i can't think straight. i have so much to do in the next 1 1/2 hours before i go to pick up my man but all i can do is sit in front of this computer and stress...

doesn't it seem like things - whether good or bad - come in threes?

right now i've got stress from 3 sources. it's totally stressing me out. the reality is i can't do anything about it but pray pray pray. sometime that's all that needs to be done. sometimes, that's all God wants us to do. sometimes, you're so desperate that all you want to do is pray pray pray.

please don't say that if you pray that it all goes away. the reality is it doesn't go away. yes, prayer can bring your feelings in line w/ Scripture and yes while it doesn't necessarily change the circumstances it can change the way you view it. but honestly, sometimes it doesn't. sometimes, you just pray and pray and pray but nothing changes. what do you call that? i think it means that i'm in a bit of a spiritual valley at the moment. praying through the valley....

prayer request

praying for a renter. our current renters moved out today and i don't have anyone to take over :(

Lord, please bring a reliable, clean, trustworthy renter to us.
amen!

no, i'm not stressed...

this year is going to bring about some changes. lately, our financial situation has gotten me praying about the direction of our family.

here are things that are up in the air:
1. our renters leave the end of the month. need new renters.
2. we may have to refi which means we'll probably move back to our place
3. my man is taking two months of unpaid leave during the summer to study for the bar
4. i'm praying about a change in my job
5. this market kind of stinks and people aren't exactly hiring these days

all reasons why i'm not stressed ;).... sarcasm galore, huh?

truthfully, i'm not stressed. it's funny how God seems to use our housing situation to teach us of His faithfulness over and over again. it'll be pretty cool to see what God does in the next few months. but in the meantime, prayer abounds.

ladies' retreat: quote 2

"In so many ways, Jesus is saving me from myself."
---and---
"There are parts of me that have never heard the Gospel".

These are similar to quote 1 in the sense that they all lead me to one main issue: that i don't spend enough QUIET time before God. why? because i don't think that i can give a heart felt, answer if these quotes were turned into questions.

question 1: what has He saved me from?

the obvious answer is sin. depravity. death. yes, i can give you nice christian-ese answers. but there are specific sins in me that are unique to me due to my upbringing, my personality, my make-up. you know, that revolving sin door that seems popping open again and again. God's allowing me to have weaknesses, trials and struggles in certain areas in my life. why? because as it says in James 1 - it's to bring about a mature faith. so fundamentally, what is He saving me from? i don't know the answer to this question - so hence... needing to be quiet before God.

question 2: what parts of me haven't heard the Gospel/ need to hear the Gospel?
i think that there are areas of my life that i've subconsciously closed the door on God. probably allowing Him to have a peek here and there, but to really let Him come in, take control, release my control freak attitude in that area... hum, sometimes it's easier to hold on to the anger, resentment, bitterness. is it the control freak in me that just doesn't want to let go? pride? again. not really sure what the root answer is for this one---- hence, need to be quiet before God.


there's obviously a trend here. i've been trying to be quiet these days. but so hard. i start to reach for the phone and then think... hum, should try to be quiet. then will find myself reaching for the radio knob. talking to myself... anything to kill the quiet... wow! so tough for me.

Oh Lord, help!

drowning in thoughts

the last few days have been particularly hard.
i can't seem to really articulate the emotions - probably because i don't want to be quiet before God and feel the emotions.. so instead i've been keeping myself busy with everything else under the sun...

to stop and feel... what do i feel? sad, helpless. hopeless. consumed. overwhelmed with emotions. moody. cranky. depressed.

trusting that God's ways are better and greater than my ways. believing that He works for the good of those who love Him. claiming that if you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. these verses that i keep saying over and over again to comfort my soul. trusting God yet crying my eyes out...
i'm so tired, Lord.

forgetfulness and Thanksgiving

the sermon this morning was about God reminding the Isrealites not to forget what God has done for them and to be thankful for His blessings. As a reminder, they were to put a jar of manna in the ark.

this has been my man's mantra for as long as we've been married.

i'd want something. whine. pray. cry. pout. and my man would gently remind me to NOT forget the blessings of our past.

so with that, i want to put into my jar, manna that God has given us (in chronological order):
1. a place of our own when we first got married - 2002
2. a great job for my man after a year of eager waiting - 2004
3. our jewel - 2004
4. an answer to prayer regarding law school - 2004
5. a larger place of our own - 2005
6. an answer to prayer regarding my job - 2007

Lord, this day... help me not to forget the manna YOU have provided.
AMEN

Trusting in God's soverignty

in the mist of some personal longings, God is teaching me to be content in all circumstances. to trust that God is soverign and He deeply cares for our needs.

focusing on the circumstances gets tiring. frustrating. and disparaging.
looking to Jesus to be my hope and firm foundation.

had a good cry in my man's arms last night. it's comforting to be on the same team and look to Jesus together. Jesus, thank you for giving me someone who loves You. who desires to put You first. who longs to see you glorified above all else and is bold enough to lead his family to that end.

i was thinking about this today as i pondered so many broken marriages and hearts out there who can't look to their spouses to give them the support and encouragement they need. how hard it would be to shoulder a burden alone.

"seeing things for what they really are"

i heard this in a sermon about a week ago and i've been pondering it, meditating on it, and praying through it all week. it's funny how our perspective can get so screwy when we're fixated on ourselves and our problems. or how we can see our situation through the world's views because of the sin that so easily entangles us.

i've been praying for a godly perspective. a God-oriented look on life, on family, on work, on self.

ultra marathons

as we speak my dear running friend is running her 3rd 24 hour race.
she's shooting to get in 120 miles.
it's hard for me to wrap my mind around that - running all through the night, can you?

part of me is so proud of her and part of me is sad for her. this drive that she has to fulfill a goal; to make herself feel good about an accomplishment. what drives one to do that?
i wish so much for her to know God, really know Him, you know?
to taste the salvation grace that is only found in Him and to know that she is loved and accepted by an Almighty powerful Savior...

my thoughts are w/ her tonight.

Prayers for the Chapman family

I thought this was a good article - not sure where she stands in her faith, but it was thoughtful writing:
http://michellemalkin.com/2008/05/22/maria-sue-chapman-rip-2003-2008/

My heart is heavy...

Two doctors down in Uganda helping with the ebola epidemic.

http://www.paradoxuganda.blogspot.com/

i'm without words.

please pray