things i never thought i'd say

actually, it's only 1 thing for this post but it didn't make as much of a punch to say"the one thing i never thought i'd say"

i digress,
i hate tattoos. really. i think they're so gross. and can you imagine what it's goign to look like when you're old and your skin gets all flabby and nasty? ugh.

but then i saw this.  bada$$.  i would make an exception for that.
of course that means i need to learn to shoot and would need abs to match, but well, if i can entertain a tattoo, then what's a few more hundred workouts to justify it?

update

so i've been spending the last several days praying, pondering, sometimes, just kind of going but not thinking (know what i mean?)

we received some news earlier this week that i'm still processing.  i'd really like to go hide somewhere for the next several months - preferably where i will know no one, somewhere on a nice secluded beach, somewhere other than here... makes me think of "no man is an island" bit... but alas, that's not the life we live and i don't think it's the life God intends. i've been pondering this idea of what it means to live victoriously and powerfully in the kindgom of God. no, it's not some crazy off the deep end weirdo christianese... it's the idea that God said that He who is in me is bigger than what's in the world; it's the promise that God says, I will never leave  you or forsake you... so if God - Almighty, Powerful, Reigns over all - God is inside of me and He promises me that He came to give me life, than shouldn't my life be characterized by His promises?

there are days i wake up in the morning and i feel like i've got a serious hang out (it could be the carbs - i'm still figuring it out), but it's definitely not alcohol cause i definitely didn't have any - unless you count using rubbing alcohol to wipe my earrings.   and there's a lie that satan whispers in my ear. "i don't want to..... " and then the "if onlys" kick in... and i have a choice - i can agree and be miserable - which i admit i do quite often sometimes, or i can discern what God is saying versus what Satan is saying. You know, satan's been lying to us since the beginning of time.. and it's the same ol' lie. "Did God really say.... "

so, i'm still meditating on what God's words say but i have to admit it's been a wrestling match of the heavenlies.

on a lighter note, i really think i'm seeing the effects of carbs in my diet. we didn't do a lot of carbs for a while and just last week i re-introduced rice into our everyday eating and i feel awful. in fact, i think it's causing me to run a 45 second slower pace during my runs.  but oh man! does it taste so good going down.  so the question is, is it worth it?

on a brighter and more worthy note, our jewel reminded me today of 1 peter 5:7 - cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you.

2011 in a few words

looking back on 2011, we have to say it was:

• tough
• tiring (with the many new responsibilities of homeschooling and classical conversations)
• questioning direction
• but all completely shadowed by the precious gift of life in our 2nd girl. that triumphs all!

a recurring thought

a lack of faith makes the problem look bigger than it really is.

weekend recap

saturday we met the in-laws at a local beach and i learned something about myself that is relatively new. i do not like commercialized beaches!

they had the boardwalk with the arcades, the carnival scene, the nasty fried food, etc.
i think i enjoyed this when i was younger.. but now it just seems like a place to waste money on junk.  i'd much rather go to a quiet, natural beach.  is this a sign i'm getting older and boring???

"one thousand gifts" review

there's a blog that i enjoy reading by one Ann Voskamp called: a holy experience.  she recently wrote a book called: one thousand gifts. the premise of the book is this: God extends grace to us, we respond w/ thanksgiving, and the outflow is joy.  she embarks on a journey to write a list of 1000 things that she thanks God for.

i was encouraged. convicted.  b/c see, i'm generally a pessimistic person.  i always think out worst case scenario first and once i come to terms w/ that, then i'm ready to embrace come what may.  there's a problem in thinking that way (other than the obvious that it's not biblical) - it doesn't lead to thanksgiving. instead it leads to wishful thinking, bracing self for the unknown, clinging to things that aren't really ours to cling to.

and so much of our lives is spent doing doing doing. going through the motions of live, but not really living life. today. throughout my day, there are things, many things, i can thank God for, in response to His grace to me. but if i just move about the events of the day and go from one task to another, i miss so much. i miss out on grace. i miss out on blessings to be thankful for, and as a result i miss out on joy.

i've been spending much time on my back these days. i sense a grumbling spirit in my soul.  complaining to God about my back, the pain, the slow moving days and the even slower moving nights.  the whining, the complaining.  there is no joy.  but God has not changed. He is still God sovereign.  He still says that all things work for His glory.  'Every good and perfect gift is from above'.  Bedrest - it's a gift.  He gives me the gift of rest today because my soul was not resting.  i was doing, but not living.  His grace that He extends to me.  i was not receiving.  Thanksgiving that He deserves, I was not responding.  so the days dragged on. joyless. 

today.  God calls me - today - to thank Him.  so i grab a journal and so begins our journey to write down 1000 gifts that we, as a family will thank God for.  i will leave it on the table and everyone, as they feel led, will write down gifts for which we thank God.

may joy abound.

what makes a good morning

a run with a great running friend, followed by a quiet time spent drinking in His Word on a cool fall morning refreshes the soul.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

I've been listening to a book called "The Help" for the last few days... but the other night my man came up to me and said - what's wrong? why are you being so mean and mad? i just kind of looked at him not knowing what in the WORLD he was talking about it... but the more we talked, it dawned on me. i was internalizing anger from the book and it was stewin' inside me. and then i was taking it out on my man. it was a reminder of the power of words - written or otherwise. see i'm a very visually sensitive person... thing stay w/ me and eat at me for days on end... but apparently this time, it just kind of snuck up on me and i didn't even notice it until someone else pointed it out to me.

see, the book takes place in the 1960's. in jackson mississippi. white families, black workers. you do the math. anger can get up in your face pretty quick when you read stuff like that. i'm in the middle of it and really hoping for a good ending. although sometimes, i just sigh and sigh knowing that the only really good happy ending is not until Kingdom come and Jesus takes away the pain and sorrow of sin. the depravity of man. such a sorry sorry state.

parable of the unmerciful servant

matt 18:21-35

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[f]

23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[g] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[h] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

i've heard people use this passage to say that if you do not forgive, then you will not be forgiven. meaning, if you have an unforgiving spirit, then you're not a Christian because you do not have a regenerate and thus not going to heaven.

the above statement didn't sit well w/ me, but i couldn't really biblically articulate why. the passage above does seem to indicate that if you're not forgiving, then you're not a Christian, right?

but today, i took a closer look. what does verse 26 say? the servant says he's going to pay the owner back. his debt is astronomical. it's so big, that there's no way he can pay him back. the debt is equal to billions in our $$. so the fact that the servant says he's going to pay him back says that he doesn't really get it. he's just saying stuff to try and get out of the situation. he's begging, hoping to get some mercy. we've heard this being used to illustrate that God has paid our debt of sin and if that's the case, then v.26 is an example of people's response of trying to earn their salvation. if they're trying to earn salvation, then they didn't really get the gospel message in the first place.

of note, we don't see the servant's response to the master when the master shows compassion and forgives his debt (v.27). we don't know what he said. but we do know what he did next. he went to his fellow servant and demanded his money back. this indicates that the servant never really understood forgiveness from his master. he never got the message. so the question isn't, "can you lose your salvation if you don't forgive others". to me, the question is, was the person even a Christian to begin with? did he respond to the gospel? as we see here, the master extended compassion and forgave the debt, but the servant didn't accept it.

people ask, can you show the virtue of true forgiveness if you're not a Christian? i don't think you can... because without Christ, you don't even have the ABILITY to divinely forgive. True forgiveness, that is selfless is through the workings of the Holy Spirit... so going back to the parable. the servant didn't have the ability to forgive his fellow servant for a far lesser debt because he didn't ever receive True Forgiveness from his master.

still processing this one, but for now, i'm tired.

interview w/ rick warren

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, 'Purpose Driven Life ' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California .
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD..

--
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye."
Psalm 32:8

loaded question

i've been discussing and pondering this for several days now. and while i am not about to start a war on words, i'd like to know - is it necessary to ascribe to reformed doctrine to be saved?

Here are the definitions I am going by:
Christian: one who has the mark of Christ on them. they have professed their own depravity before God, are trusting God for their salvation, and are heaven bound by the grace of God.

Reformed: is based on these 5 traits:
Sola Scriptura: The Scripture Alone is the Standard
Soli Deo Gloria! For the Glory of God Alone
Solo Christo! By Christ's Work Alone are We Saved
Sola Gratia: Salvation by Grace Alone
Sola Fide: Justification by Faith Alone

( i didn't read the rest of the site and just grabbed the 5 solas so if you have issue with something on that site... well, i didn't read it, is all).

so, the answer isn't so much as important to me as the support behind your answer. it's raised some interesting dialogue around our table these days.

as a post script - my man clarified that calvinism is a large part of the reformed theology and that many people who hear reformed equate it w/ calvinism. i do not. while i think that calvinism is a part of reformed theology, i think the 5 solas above is really the basis of the reformation and that's what martin luther was really driving after.

off to a great morning, end with a bad day

you know those mornings where things just work so well? i went for a run at 6:30am (which never happens if i'm not meeting someone else), got home, had a kale smoothie, then off to the doctor's appointment, and then our jewel and i stopped by the canal for a nature walk. sounds so great right? well, after that the rest of the day was pretty much downhill and it ended on a very stressful note.

the funny thing is that during my run this morning, i had a really wonderful time reflecting on God's Word. i'm listening to Tommy Nelson, pastor of Denton Bible Church
i'm listening to his series on Matthew and today's sermon was on unforgiveness. i even had a tangible illustration to accompany the sermon. see, there's a route that i run and i noticed several days ago a dead deer thrown into the bushes. you can only see it from a certain direction because the overgrown grass and all. anyways, the first time i saw it, i was completely taken by surprise. you're not expecting a dead deer to all of a sudden be RIGHT there. but the next time, i knew it was coming so i kind of braced myself for it. well, the last few days have been really hot and i hadn't run that route. so this morning when i went back to the route, the stench of the deer hit me like a ton of bricks and then i spent the rest of the run trying to figure out how i could reroute my course so i could avoid it. i couldn't figure out how to do that without cutting into my miles, so i ended up just going that route, but i went onto the road for a short period to try and escape the nasty stench. the point of this all is that it was a visual reminder of sin. first you see it and you're caught off guard. then the next time you see it you kind of brace yourself for it. well, when you let sin fester for a while, it gets nasty and before you know it, it's so gross that others see it and want to avoid you because it's so overpowering. pretty powerful stuff as you're listening to a sermon about the consequences of unforgiveness and what God says about it.

ok, so back to my point - was a great morning. great sermon. great run. great time of reflection. but when the rubber met the road and i was presented with a "test". i failed miserably. i knew i failed as soon as the nasty words and attitude came out of my mouth and heart. so between that and oh yeah, some other external issues that presented itself today, it's just made for a miserable end to what i thought was going to be a great day.

have you had one of those?

mid may update

i was reminded that i hadn't posted in a while... not sure why. i thought about what has been filling my schedule the last few weeks:
homeschooling, my chair projects, running, church,... much of the same, really. but then it dawned on me. i have a new running partner who is really cool. i met her over the internet and we have so much in common... and trust me, in jersey the chances of someone having similar interests as me - pretty low. (just in case you're curious, she's a christian, who homeschools, runs, and is also interested in nutrition). anyways, perhaps it's because in the short period that we've gotten to run together that we've been able to be so real and open about our lives has perhaps taken the place of what the blog did for me. i guess i don't feel the urge to feel myself being heard on the net/ blog when there's someone who's hearing me -- in person. (not to say that my husband isn't the BEST, but sometimes a gal just needs her gal pal, ya'know?) or it could be that there's just nothing interesting to blog about :)

having said that, i'm eager to post my chairs when they're done. unfortunately, i forgot my camera at my sister's and i forgot to take the before pics. of further frustration (rookie mistake), i started on the cushion today and i realized that i don't have enough fabric and i got the last of the bolt at joann's. i'm hoping that i'll be able to find it at another joann's.

not just words

saw this video of zac smith at bible study the other day. something to ponder and reflect.

comforting thoughts

my mentor said something a while ago that i've been thinking about a lot.
she was a missionary in france for 18 years so i think that she's got a leg up on struggles and working through them.

she said, "if i knew all that God was going to allow/ do, i would have jumped off the first bridge i found. but having gone through it all, i wouldn't change it for anything". i find it so comforting that God doesn't allow more than you can handle and sometimes we can handle more than we think we can if we put our trust in Him.

as a post script. i've been thinking/ praying a lot about thankfulness and about responding to the difficult situations w/ gratitude. and what d'ya know? yesterday was definitely a day with difficult situations. after a few challenging conversations on the phone with various people, i get a call from my sis to come and watch my nephew because she was going into labor. so i dropped everything and went to be with my nephew who did not like being away from his mama. this too was a lesson for me. looking into my nephew's tear stained face and trying to console an inconsolable toddler reminded me that sometimes God is trying to comfort us and encourage us through His Word but we're so busy crying that we can't hear anything else. My poor nephew wasn't about reason, he was all about his immediate pain. it reminded me that sometimes i have to just breathe and in that breathing time, let God speak into the pain of my heart rather than cry hysterically. (but i have to admit crying hysterically sometimes will get you a cookie) :)

thankfulness

our small group has been going through jerry bridges' respectable sins. yesterday we discussed unthankfulness.

we don't usually think of unthankfulness as a sin, huh? on the surface it doesn't seem all that bad, does it. but the problem with a lack of gratitude is that at the root of it, is a sense of entitlement. that for some reason, you've earned whatever you got. but the truth of the matter is that everything - including the air we breathe is a gift from God. i've been thinking about it in the context of my "meltdown" a week ago. when the hardships of life hits, it's hard to be thankful, don't you think? i know i wasn't thanking God for my tears, my heartache, my sorrow. but it said something about my heart. why do we think that we should only have good stuff happen to us? why do we feel "entitled" to the good but not the bad? i'm not saying that we deserve the bad, but we didn't exactly earn the good, either. know what i mean?

the irony is that when we can have heartfelt thankfulness before God in the mist of our meltdowns, it results in joy. why? because what i'm really saying is that in the end, when it's all said and done - i trust God.

i'm still working through this but for now, i think that's enough.

the church extended

some people when they think of church, they think of a building. sometimes w/ a steeple, pews, pulpit, and an organ. but the church is really the people. it's the believers that make up the church and when "church" is dismissed on sunday morning and everyone gets in their cars to go home, it's the church extended. we go into the community and we are the salt and light of Jesus to those around us.

there's something very cool about the church extended. we had small group tonight and honestly i was tired, despondent, had a major headache, and just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep the rest of the day away. but instead, i threw on a sweater, pulled out some cupcakes, and put on a smile to meet some new people.

tonight's topic was about discontentment. and boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks. it's been a struggle to be content and have joy in the mist of our hardships. i think that each one in and of themselves probably wouldn't have caused us to feel so disparaged, but the culmination of several major (possibly life altering) issues have left us so weary. but how encouraging that we can do this while walking alongside other believers. regardless of the number of issues in our lives. the fundamental issue is: what is the SOURCE of my security? Romans 8:28 in essence says that God works for the GOOD of those who love Him. this is no easy verse to swallow. esp when the going gets tough. but it doesn't change the reality of the verse. it doesn't change God's promise to me that says that in ALL things God is/ will use it all for good. the circumstances themselves might suck but the purpose of it is good.

we discussed ruth today. remember naomi in the book of ruth? she was having some serious discontentment issues. she lost everything. family, home, having financial hardships, and the biggest thing - she had no heir. in those days, not having anyone to carry on the family name was huge - it was losing her entire insurance policy of any sort of security. remember how she says call me "mara" which means bitterness; to be embittered... by God. she felt like God had turned His hand against her. ouch! now she felt despondent. i saw that passage in a new light tonight. but God allowed her to be saved, to have an heir (if you look in ruth 4, it says that naomi - not ruth, nursed the baby boy and it says naomi, not ruth had a son). what a precious story of redemption. of God's saving love.

so as i wrestle with this idea of discontentment before God and allowing God to use these hardships in our lives to stripe away everything, leaving us feeling bare and naked, i am also reminded of God's loving hand to bring us into fellowship with other believers who can be real about their own lives as we all wrestle in our journeys.

when it rains it pours

it's been a most crazy week.

we've been receiving bad news all week. three things earlier this week that kind of left us despondent.

then we had the incident with the upstairs neighbors on friday.
yesterday, we came home to find that our computer table was flooded! we have three ceiling leaks - in our master bedroom, another bedroom, and the living room. of all the things that the leak had to damage, it was our imac. :( it's totally fried. my man is at the computer doctor with it right now, hoping it'll get resuscitated.

on the way to church today, we saw some serious flooding up close and personal. houses flooded. canal water up to the roads. trees down. even our church had 4 inches of water in the basement. but the service still went on! oh my!!

flip flops make the day brighter

i've been having a pretty rotten day.. week... month... 2010... life's trials have been coming at us pretty hard and it's been compiling. several issues that seem to just compound with each new day. remember lamentations that say "Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning?" well, i thought it was lamentations 3:6. i just looked it up. know what that verse says? "He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead." of all ironies. that's the truth of how i've been feeling. well, lam 3:18 is the actual verse. how you go from feeling like v.6 to v.18 is beyond me.

i completely digress.

back to flip flops.
not sure if it's because it reminds me of summer and bright sunny days or what. but it brought a little smile to my face. these flip flops. it'll be a nice DIY project for me one of these days.

overwhelmed

disappointed. sad. hopeless.
weighed down by the world's trials.

"Woe to me! The LORD has added sorrow to my pain;
I am worn out with groaning and find no rest."
- jer 45:3