random thoughts

a few random thoughts that are floating through my mind...

1. precious learned the number 9. so jewel decided to quiz her. it went something like this:

jewel: what's 2+7?

precious: 9

jewel: what's 3+6?

precious: 9

jewel: what's 5+2?

precious: 9

jewel: no, you're wrong!

precious: hey! and then punched her in the nose!! hard!

i declare! don't mess with precious.

2. the other day, i was talking to our jewel about wwII.  after we talked about the facts of the war, she asks about the philosophy and doctrine of war. ie. why do christians kill people? aren't they supposed to love people like Jesus said? japan isn't a christian country but we are, right? 

oh boy! so i just did what every other good parent did. i said, "let's talk about it later". then i passed the buck to my man and asked him to follow up with it. 

3. first day of CC was yesterday. i felt so bad; i was so exhausted, that i fell asleep the last 10 minutes of it... when i was supposedly watching a few of the younger kids ( my 2 year old included).   

i'm still recovering today. i woke up extremely exhausted and even after a 3 hour nap, i'm still wiped out.  i can't wait until the kids go to bed so i can too.   currently they're playing outside with the neighborhood kids but i can't get myself to get off the chair to make dinner. 

4. i feel guilty. precious' birthday is tomorrow and i've planned nothing. and when i say nothing, i mean,  our jewel reminded me that it was her birthday tomorrow and that's what started my planning - oops! better ask my man to swing by the store and pick up a cake or something.  one redemptive plan - we're going to hit the beach for the day with my sister on saturday and do a casual bday celebratory lunch there with simple sammies and cupcakes. nothing big, but i think she'll enjoy it. just thinking about the day honestly wipes me out. but i really want to try this beach out; i've heard that there's a walkway that goes out pretty far into the beach so that will be nice for my man and hopefully we'll finally find a beach that we might remotely enjoy.  

i'm digressing but here's my hatred with beaches these days... so going to the beach looks something like this - first i take the stroller and all the beach junk to the spot. then i come back and attempt to roll my man to the spot. meanwhile, our jewel carries our precious besides me. however, sometimes, the sand is too hot, hard, etc.. and she can't carry precious very long. so then we switch plans and i push my man to the spot and then come back for precious.  by the time i get to the spot, i'm extremely exhausted, hot, and in a sour mood... esp since i'm preggo and haven't worked out in months. once we're on the spot, my man can't go into the water so he's extremely hot and the girls want to go in the water so i go back and forth between the beach spot (which is nowhere near the water) and the water.  so 1 1/2 hrs later, my man and i are grumpy, tired, and hot and we've had enough. we gather all our stuff and do the multiple trips to the boardwalk again.  

doesn't that sound like a miserable time at the beach?? so that's why we hate it.  a few times we've gone with our good friends and they help with all the gear and the wheelchair -- then i'm not so miserable.   

we'll see how saturday goes. having my sister with me and the supposedly long walkway should help a lot. we'll see.  i'm cautiously hopeful. 

that's it. my post-its are gone.

random thoughts

1. i really really really really want to run. i think my legs don't but my inner soul is craving it.

2. i should NOT eat sweets before i go to bed. it leads to VERY weird dreams.

3. my man and i were talking last night about a hypothetical situation... what if your daughter came home w/ a guy that you really really did not approve of... and he insulted you to your face. and by insult, i don't mean, he doesn't like what you're wearing; by insult, i mean... he basically tells you he wants to get serious with your daughter.  how would you handle it so that you don't alienate your daughter but still speak truth into the matter? ok, the mama bear in me says by this point i would have learned how to use a gun and i would use this opportunity to show him what i know (yes, in my mind i would be able to take down a squirrel at 500 yards).  ok, the rational side of me says, take our daughter aside, speak calmly to her and then take the boy outside and shoot the squirrel... :)

i think we live in a culture where people think it's ok and actually expect gratitude from the parents when the boy goes to the parents to tell them what their intentions are, no matter how foul those intentions might be.  when did this become ok?

4. on the opposite side of this, i'm rereading anne of green gables for our book club this month. i get transformed into the world of anne every time i read it... sigh.

5.  our jewel started ballet this week and it's very cool to see how much she's enjoying it. we'll see how she feels about it at the end of the summer session.

rant continued

i can't believe they still have school in these weather conditions! it's snowing by the truckloads, the plows can't keep up, and school is still ON! no delay. nothing.  they say 4-8 inches before the end of the storm, but somehow that doesn't mean much here.  i guess i should just be content. our jewel is home sick anyways, so we don't have to deal w/ the messy roads but MY GOODNESS! what they will do, just so they don't have to prolong school at the end of the year!

last week recap

1. our jewel's been sick, so we've been doing a lot of vegging.


2. we're reconsidering what we're going to do next year... to homeschool or not to homeschool. that is the question.

3. getting back to working out after taking a month off just sucks! i'm completely unmotivated and i can visibly see the loss of tone in my muscles :(

4. i don't know what is up with this area but we seem to still have school even when it snows 5 inches. i'm trying to figure out what the magic number is.  they have delayed openings, which to me is a bigger pain because she's in school 1/2 day. so on the days where she's had a delayed opening, i've got to drop her off, only to turn around and pick her up 1 1/2 hours later. i'd rather just keep her at home to be honest.   i would, except that carpooling has me do my share.

5. i really can't stand reality shows. they drive me crazy.  i don't know where that came from... but i figured since i was ranting, i might as well, keep going....

6. oh yeah, one last rant... i got probably the worst haircut i can remember. i don't know what she did to my bangs, but i can't seem to hide the bad cut no matter what i do. unfortunately, she cut it so short that there's no getting around it.  that's what i get for getting a cut on a whim.  i think she was secretly taking it out on me b/c she had to work new years eve.

venting on p90x

it's been two years since i've done this workout but i was feeling too lazy to run outside in the cold so i pulled this out. can i just say that after 2 years, i still find this guy really annoying? is it just me?
i mean really - two tickets to the gun show? who says that?!!!

by the way, i did the back and bicep one today and while i think my biceps got a workout, i didn't really sweat and that's kind of my test on any workout... did i sweat?

so here's my two cents. if it's cold outside and you just want to get something in, put the video on mute.

technology bah!

the search engine on blog doesn't work and i can't figure it out. any clues anyone?
can't i just wave my wand and say ta-da?!

depth

yes, i'm a straight shooter.
yes, i want depth.
yes, i want people to be real.

but in this day in age, why is that so hard? i was at a gathering the other night with people i didn't know very well. it was a pleasant night but it never got past the "hello, my name is... and i do this for a living and have x number of kids" we talked about home decorating stuff (the hostess just had her house painted). don't get me wrong, i LOVE talking about home decor. but 4 1/2 hours later as i walked home, i thought to myself that i don't know these ladies. i didn't have a substantive conversation w/ anyone. not ONE. OK. i know what some of you are thinking. it takes time. it's the small talk first. build the trust and then the deeper stuff comes later. while i agree in a sense that sometimes, we need to just suck it up and give it time, i don't believe it always has to be that way. i think it has to do with this culture and society that we live in. that says, we should put on a mask that says "i'm ok". as long as i'm telling you what i DO during the day, you'll think i've got my act together. but quite honestly, i don't really care what you DO. i want to know who you ARE. put aside the pretense for a while. drop the mask. pull up a chair and a cup of joe and let's be real.


on a post script, i was so hungry for real conversation, when i got home, i woke my man up at midnight and shared w/ him what i learned in nahum in my bible study that morning. that book is really rich.

here's my quick nahum-in-a-nutshell:

nahum was a hebrew who lived in judah. he had a vision from God about Nineveh and he spoke the oracle of nineveh to the people of judah. nahum is about 100 years after jonah's evangelistic efforts to ninevah. (remember jonah and the whale)? so nineveh repented after jonah went to them. but we see that 100 years later, they resorted back to their ways. they were known for their barbaric ways and the surrounding countries didn't like them. nineveh was thriving. they were strong and seemed invincible. but nahum talks about their destruction. and destruction came for this city as prophesied. in fact, the remains of nineveh were only found about 40 years ago, when some historians discovered some books. so what does this all say? 1. i was reminded of the sovereignty of God. God is the ultimate judge and in the end He will judge all. watch out world! 2. parts of the book kind of read like God is building up a case - reminds me of micah. 6. and i pondered on how in God's courtroom absolute Truth always prevails. unlike the junk that you see going on in the courtrooms today. sometimes, people just suck. but God is good and He is just. Enter his courtroom. take your case to God. There are no unjust scales there. Truth will always rule in His courts.

sickness

today is day 4 of no gym, no running, no nothing. i've been SICK and it's the pits! my head feels like it weighs a ton, my skin is mighty sensitive - seriously give me a head's up before you touch me, my nose is running more than i am, and i'm just so weak. meanwhile, my muscles are going to flab. ughhhhhh.

debt

it's one of those endless discussions in our household. what are we doing to get out of debt? are we putting everything we can into it? is there anything else we can cut in order to pay off some debt... so it's really really frustrating when we're TRYING and it seems like all the world's against us. just in the past month my man and i have both had serious car repairs that have totaled in the thousand$. tomorrow i gotta take my car in AGAIN! ugh!!!

it's times like this that i think it would be nice to live in a city where we didn't need a car. but then again, i know i'd probably be complaining about something else if i was living in such a city.

NOW, WHAT'S HE DOING?!

i can't believe what i'm seeing.
my man comes home to tell me what the latest obama initiative/ sales pitch is...

now he's brainwashing kids. i just can't believe this! this is just another example of how his administration is moving towards socialism. this makes me think of what the kids in north korea hear/ see when they go to school. a speech from their leader calling them to loyalty and trust in the leader. ok. before you go all crazy on me, i'm not saying that he IS the north korean dictator...at least not yet. i'm just saying it's what it reminds me of. what i don't get is WHY is the mainstream media not saying anything about this? yes, yes, i know they have a political agenda. but at some point, don't you just take a step back and say... "hum, is this right for the future of our country? is this right for my family? is this right for my kid?" ok, i'm getting way ahead of myself and my emotions are going haywire! i'm going to go take it out on the dishes. they'll get a good scrubbing tonight!

the inevitable side effects of fatigue

1. irritability
2. guilt

it's a vicious cycle. i'm tired so i have no patience and i'm very cranky. i wouldn't even say i'm moody because to say i'm moody would imply that i've got some ups. but there really aren't any ups during the day. it starts w/ mild fatigue and then it's just downhill from there. which leads me to #2. i'm so tired that i take the "easy" route. i pop in a video for our jewel while i nap. i buy junk food because i have no energy to cook. and then the guilt sets in. guilt because i'm giving her left over energy and bad-for-you food. guilt because i'm not living up to the proverbs 31 model. i know it's not there to make you feel miserable about yourself and i know it's not what God is saying. i'm just telling you that it's how i feel and while i know intellectually that God isn't wagging a pointed finger at me, it's just how i feel.

you could ask why i'm still working out. that maybe if i conserved energy and didn't go to the gym that my day as a mom would go better. but aux contrare! i'm even more irritable because i didn't make it to the gym and there's the added guilt from that too. so for now, it's better to just go the gym. although if this keeps going down the same road, then it won't be long before i don't have the energy to go to the gym no matter now guilty i feel.

just when you think you're on track

i'm perpetually a 1/2 day behind in my reading. just when i think i'm going to catch up that day, something happens that causes me not to be able to finish. ugh!! this time around i'm not on top of things. but then again, this seems to be my overarching issue of my life these days. i'd like my anal, organized, remember everything, not lose anything, type A person back please! if you find her, please let me know. i'd like to this take head that is in the clouds and exchange it.

it's official - i'm obsessed

ok. here's the real naked truth. there's no getting around it. no sugar coating. no hiding behind the bush. are you ready? wait for it, wait for it.... i've gained 15 pounds in less than a year. i can't fit into any of my summer clothes! well, i guess i can "fit" into them, but they're really tight and it makes me look like i'm a hootchie mama. my man is sick and tired of hearing me whine about it. but it's kind of hard not to think about when it stares me right in the face every time i walk into that closet. i know. i could just go up the next size in clothes... but hummmm... no. it's bugging the crazies out of me. why? because i don't think i can do anything about it. i'm not eating poorly. i know i act like i eat at mcd's all the time, but i really don't. i workout enough. and when i say enough, objectively, it really is enough. and here i am 15 pounds heavier. it's probably all tied into this whole "what is wrong with me" bit that i've been circling around these days, but it's still quite frustrating. sigh sigh.

something's wrong

i'm not sure yet and all my tests come back normal after the multiple doctor's visits, but gut feeling tells me something's not quite right. i'm no longer working, i'm not training for anything so my stress level and physical exertion is done to a low, and yet i'm extremely tired. i find myself falling asleep at the wheel driving our jewel to/ from school. i'm always tired and feel like i've never gotten enough sleep, and my memory has gotten crazy bad these last several months. i mean dangerously bad - ie. leaving a pot of boiling soup on the stove before exiting the house for the day bad. it's the same ol "i already told you this" or "weren't you going to do something?" comments i'm getting from family all the time.
the doctors kind of look at you like you're a crazy doof for wasting their time when you go to see them because you're tired. but i know my body well enough to know that this just isn't normal for me. with all of my "medical expertise" (yes, that is sarcasm), i'm guessing i have either a thyroid or adrenal issue. thyroidism runs in the family so iwouldn't be surprised. i seeing yet another doctor who is supposed to be really promising in august. so we'll just have to see how things go.

are you kidding me?!

guess who obama picked to head up the GM bankruptcy? you'd think it would be someone with experience... experience in the auto industry or at least has a finance background. someone who knew what he was doing. but apparently, that's too much to ask of the president.

what gets me is the media? why aren't they up in arms? why aren't they covering this? why was it hidden in the conservative blogs. oh my living word!!!!

it's the small things

have you ever noticed how you might be having a good day and then something will happen - nothing big usually... but that just your "not bad" day into really stinky day that screams of agony. it's the whole camel thing, i think. because sometimes you're having a day that says -- it's not that bad. it's doable... and then when something happens - that's when it reveals your true emotions that just didnt' surface because you didn't have enough pressure to really make things pop.
ok, i'm not making sense - but i just needed to vent.

i'm annoyed...

this was my day:

4am woke up with a panic attack about work stuff
drove to and fro alexandria for a client
was 30 minutes late picking up our jewel because of work
4pm got home, and popped open the computer to work for the next 2 hours while our jewel entertained herself.
7pm got our jewel to bed and then worked til 11pm.

just shut down the computer and not only did i NOT get in a work out today, but i am now too tired to get up tomorrow for the morning run thereby effectively killing two days of a workout! ugh!!!!

ohhhhhh i just HATE it!

yes, i know it's a strong word and it should be used w/ caution... and yes i mean every last letter of it... i HATE technology. if i could go back to the days of horse and buggy, of paper calendars, and snail mail letters, i would! (yes, i know the irony of this as i sit here fuming over it on a blog!)
any/ every sort of technical problem seems to pop it's ugly head into my life. between the lost work i had to redo at work and trying to create a digital scrapbook, this week has been the pits! after an hour on shutterfly, i gave up! for some reason it wasn't saving things correctly and it was taking forever to drag photos onto another page!!!! ugh!

the latest 411

i threw out my back on sunday... doing nothing out of the ordinary... just picking up some water from costco. it's now wednesday and i'm still hunched over, in a lot of pain, and cranky all over. this is coupled w/ the fact that busy season has started at work and it's been hectic...

i'm not sure how long this is supposed to last, but i wish it would go away. sign of old age??? ugh!

steven curtis chapman part 2

saw the larry king live show on the chapman family - first time i've seen larry king's show i think. larry king - didn't care for his interviewing style. came across as one w/o compassion, kept interrupting them and did you notice that whenever they talked about God, he tried to steer the interview by asking a non-God question. obviously that about every question.

at the end he said "good luck with the healing". he SOOO did not get it!